Lost & Found

March 6, 2020

My lead feet dragged along with each step… the pit sunk deeper into my stomach… each breath becoming more taxing until I felt like I was only breathing with the very top of my lungs… and the darkness of the walls closed in around me. My heart beat drowned any sound around me. Every door I opened led to stairs, every stair to more darkness.

I was lost.

In a parking garage… which makes my physiologic reaction seem ridiculous.

But anxiety isn’t logical, it doesn’t reason – it is a lie.

At the peak of my panic, I busted through a door and sunshine broke out all around me… The yellow glow filled me up from my toes and warmed my blood. My shaking hands steadied and the wind brushed against my face – It felt like going home.

After days of travel, months of studies, or just a long day of work… you walk through the door of your home and a calmness instantly engulfs you, wrapping you up like a mother embraces a child. You are Home. You are at Peace. You Belong.

This is what Jesus longs for each of His children… that’s us, that’s you, that’s me.

He is our home. But guess what? He loves us so much He will never force you to seek Him. Free will… we have the freedom to find Him, we have the freedom to seek our Home, seek Belonging… and only then will we find Peace.

“Jesus said to his disciples:

“Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; and the one who seeks, finds; and to the one who knocks, the door will be opened.””

Mathew 7: 7-8

Not to speak for everyone, but (I’m gonna) as humans we have this natural tendency to seek control. We want to know all of the answers, we want to know the outcome, we want to feel like we have the last say. The moment we feel those grips on our reality start to slip away – panic. That is exactly how I felt in the depths of that darn concrete garage. I had tried for every exit, I had opened every door, and when it felt like it just kept getting darker and darker… I wanted to give in, I wanted to throw my hands up, and I squeezed my eyes shut and thought “I cannot do this anymore”… and that is exactly when I pushed through the last door.

Victory.

It goes against everything the evil one whispers at our minds… ‘you have to do it all yourself‘…’you don’t need help’, ‘you’ve got this’… but Victory, true Peace is found in your surrender… just knock.

I let myself go for a walk. A long one. I needed to debrief with my Father, and it was clear He had things to say. It is moments when you have lost all control that you have the most clarity. When you are seeking for so long and you finally find the holes you’ve been jumping over in your heart.

“Do to others whatever you would have them do to you.”

Mathew 7:12

As I walked along the trail I soaked up the hues of color… the sky seemed so blue, and the grass as green as could be. Peace, and also clarity.

Clarity that I had been disappointing myself. I had been caught up in the need for compassion. Over the past few days I becoming distraught with the need for others to respond to my generosity. The smallest of signs… return my smile, wave at my generous highway etiquette, say thank you as I hold open the door… me, me, me….

I wanted acceptance, I wanted belonging, I wanted a return of compassion… but I wasn’t seeking the love of God for others – Desire to Love… more than you desire to be Loved.

I passed a few people with their dogs and smiled… nothing. I passed a biker and smiled… nothing. I passed a painter and smiled… nothing. Two miles later, I was thumbing with my complaints as I was discovering this ache that had been controlling me for the past few days… and then I saw a man taking a photo of his wife… She stood in front of the lake grinning from ear to ear, they laughed as she directed his angles… and out of no where, before I even recognized my own shy, anxious self I jogged over and suggested I took the photo of them together. The two beamed with gratitude… they were so excited. I wished them a good day and went on my way… He is there. He is listening. He knows what you need. But He is waiting for you.

Seek. Knock. Find your home in Him.

Where are you jumping over holes in your heart?

What does it feel like when you don’t have control?

Write down how you feel when you walk into your home.

How are you treating others with the love of God?

by courtney.