vigilance.
What do you look like when everything around you falls? Who are you when the walls around you crumble? How do you stand when the floor beneath you washes away?
A few weeks ago I talked about the gift of fortitude - the spiritual bicep. Fortitude, the gift the Holy Spirit blooms within us to make us spiritually and physically stronger through turmoil, heartache, and darkness.
Have you ever found yourself sitting before God’s feet surrounded by the material that used to hold you together so completely? The structure you bound so tightly to you, you could never lose control. Your dreams and desires printed pristinely on your mind, professing your five year plan to anyone asking. Your social life building the walls around you. Your grades and education grounding your feet. Your career building stair cases through you, and your achievements shingled perfectly overhead.
I printed my plans perfectly in my mind. I built my walls. My feet firm. I stood stories high, and I was crowned in my house.
So I thought.
I thought that these were the rocks, the structures that built my house. I thought this was the foundation of who I was, who I was becoming. Then, the earth quaked, the winds blew, and waters poured down washing it all away. I was exposed. I was cracked open with nothing showing except my truest foundation. It was all decor. Praise be to God, it was all decor. Embellishment. Some walls were lost, and renovations were demanded, but my house isn’t and wasn’t founded on material. My house wasn’t built by my own hands, my own brain, my own accolades.
When everything crumbled around me, my foundation was revealed. After all the decor was dust, one thing remained - prayer. What was, what is, and always will be the skeleton of our soul.
Have you ever had an MRI? If not… here is a little imagery for you. You lie down on a table and a helmet-like contraption is placed over your head. You are then moved under a dome, and sometimes an IV is started. You must remain as still as possible for about an hour while the dome makes loud thumping noises. The closeness of the helmet, the dark and confining space of the dome, and the noisiness has been known to cause claustrophobia in many people. What if you aren’t sure if you are claustrophobic, you ask? Don’t worry… you are given a little cord with a button to hold onto. The button is for you. You can push it anytime you get scared, if you panic, and want out.
I was waiting yet, another appointment. It was a cool day, I was feeling so overwhelmed by everything around me. I remember the earth started quaking so hard. It was rocking and my knees were trembling. My decor was crashing to the floor day by day, but the force around me wasn’t giving in. All I could think about was that red button. I was standing in a parking lot and trying to remain calm… but all I could think about was an MRI, absolutely not a relaxing beach somewhere, absolutely not how you deescalate anxiety. Over and over again I heard “press the button, Courtney”. “If you are scared, if you are panicking, and you want out, just press the button, Courtney”.
Sisters, we aren’t strong enough. We aren’t strong enough to face it on our own. Not the first time and not the second time. What a blessing that we don’t have to be strong enough - on our own.
We hold on so desperately to the parts of ourselves that we create. We hold on with all of our might while the winds crash into us, begging us to give in. All the while Jesus is there, sleeping in the boat right next you, waiting for you to press the button. To call out to Him. So with a gentle, calm voice He may cease the wind. (Mark 4:38-40)
After the mess I created was torn down, I found myself at the feet of Jesus. I saw His heart, and I saw mine as if looking at them for the first time. When the framework was laid out I saw what truly and actually held me together - prayer. Even when it wasn’t perfect, even when it wasn’t intimate, it was there. He was there. He made me vigilant, He keeps be vigilant, and through vigilance He is revealing His heart to me.
As He reveals His heart to me, He is healing mine.
Read Daniel Chapter 6… Daniel was filled with an extraordinary spirit, like you and me. His peers feared his greatness and trustworthiness. In order to destroy him, the people set out to place a prohibition on prayer, essentially. If the law was broken, then the one trespassing should be thrown into the lion’s den. With this knowledge, Daniel went home and “continued his custom to kneel in prayer and give thanks to God three times a day…”. When the men found him, they persecuted him and sent him to the king for punishment. As a result, Daniel faced the mouths of lions.
The next day, “…the king sorrowfully cried out, “Daniel, servant of the living God, has your God whom you serve so constantly been able to save you from the lions?” Daniel answered the king: “My God sent angels and closed the lions’ mouths so that they have not hurt me””. When Daniel reached his panic button moment, he had a panic button to push. He created a foundation of prayer - continual, habitual prayer. He had a relationship with his Father, the One who can answer the call when you need a friend or when you need lions to keep their mouths shut. Kneeling, giving thanks, talking to our Father daily is what prepares our souls for the feats of our lives that require the most fortitude we can muster.
When I was completely unveiled to my prayer I was able to meet Him. I was desperate, hungry for Him. I had never prayed like this before, so intentionally after His heart. And as He drew me closer, He continued to reveal Himself to me. Prayer became sensual, the kind of prayer I read about or heard others testify. The kind of prayer He came to earth to create. He came to me as real as He came to Thomas, showing me His scars, His realness. He wants to just be my Dad. He wants to give me the gift of peace. And He wants that for you too.
“For He is our peace, He who made both one and broke down the dividing walls of enmity, through His flesh…” Eph 2:14 “He preached peace to you who were far off and peace to those who were near, for through Him we both have access in one Spirit to the Father" (Eph 2:17) “So then you are no longer strangers and sojourners, but you are fellow citizens with the holy ones and members of the household of God, built upon the foundation of the apostles and prophets, with Christ Jesus himself as the capstone Through Him the whole structure is held together and grows into a temple sacred in the Lord; in Him you also are being built together into a dwelling place of God in the Spirit.” (Eph 19-21)
What grace washes over me when I read these words from Saint Paul. The true floor plan of my heart. The true floor plan of your heart. The foundation of those in peace and those without. He has chosen each of you as a member of His household, to dine at His table. He is building your structure into a temple of His love, a dwelling place for peace.
I was watching Gilmore Girls the other day and Lorelai had to basically babysit her Dad for a day so her Mom could have alone time. Lorelai was so nervous standing in the kitchen with him that she was petrified. She had never had her Dad come into her house. He stood over her with his mighty height and his powerful suit, surrounded by her homey kitchen and comfy t-shirt. Over her nervousness, her Dad said, “you don’t have to entertain me, Lorelai, I am your Father”. She protested, “But, you are a guest”. He replied, “I’m not a guest, I am your father. How about we just go about your normal routine. I just want to see how you live, see your town. So drink your coffee do whatever you do after that, and I’ll just be here with you”.
I smiled a sheepishly as Lorelai. This is it, I thought, this is what He is asking of us, and this is what I have missed so many times before. I used to eloquently craft beautiful prayers, prepare my confession to the sentence, read books, and listen to podcasts on prayer. The truth is, while all of these have purpose and a place in our prayer, He first just wants to be Dad. He wants you to live your life and welcome Him into it. He doesn’t need to be entertained. He doesn’t want you to dress up and show Him a shiny house you’ve decorated for Him. He wants your heart, the foundation that He created in you just like the apostles and prophets before us.
As I have been reflecting on the gifts, like fortitude, I have talked a deal about spiritual maturity. My prayer has been maturing slowly for years. For someone who struggles with anticipating the end result, striving to complete the goal ‘right now’… this slow process of refining prayer has been the most precious lesson from the Father. One of vigilance.
Most of us are taught when we are so little to pray. As small children we pray for our loved ones by name, we recite little poem prayers our parents teach us, and sing songs of praise. We start to grow into teenagers and the world closes in around us. Our once child-like and simple minds are crowded with the noise of the world - school, fitting in, sports, clothes… we are challenged by the pressure.
This is when He taught me resilience in my doubt. When darkness and lies of doubt overcame me, I prayed. I prayed the prayers that I knew, I prayed the only way I knew how and I hoped for a conversion of my hardened heart. Slowly, He revealed to me eyes of love. I looked around and I saw the cruelty in my little world. I saw the darkness, I saw the unkindness, and He invited me to escape. My heart began to turn like clay. I still prayed the prayers I knew, unaware of the profound changes within me as my Potter sculpted tirelessly. I remember taking notice of small pieces of knowledge and wisdom from those holier than me. Words challenged me, brought me to my knees, turned my eyes inward to my own soul.
Who am I? I started talking to Him, asking Him questions. My heart moved in His hands as He continued to refine me. I stepped into my first Confirmation class, and this truth set my soul on fire - it was love. I felt a love I hadn’t felt before. I was a masterpiece. I have a Creator Who is working on me and He won’t stop until I am perfectly as He has intended. I wrote to Him and I prayed to Him like a friend for maybe the first time that night. I still prayed the prayers I knew, but now I talked to Him… I talked to Him a lot. I made promises to Him, I repented, and I discovered a peace and love I hadn’t ever felt before. I saw Him in other people, I saw a holiness I desired in other people… and I talked to Him a lot.
This story I have told you about me finding my foundation was a giant shift in spiritual maturity. I got really good at talking. I talked to God every day. I learned I have even more to say when I write, journal to Him. I can talk for hours about His Word. He knew so much about me, but He wanted me to know His heart too. To hear Him. But I just couldn’t stop talking. It’s so like me to take over. To take hold of everything and try to make it perfect.
I recently read the wise words of Fr Jacque Philippe, he said, “perfectionism has little to do with sanctity”. Becoming holy, becoming close to God requires silence. It requires an inner peace only He can provide.
God intervened in my life. A life I held on to so tightly. He had to. It was a house I decorated around me perfectly. A house I liked to show Him only the best rooms. I treated Him like a guest in His own house. When my foundation was exposed, He showed me the one thing that mattered. Prayer. Vigilant prayer. That is what saves me in my darkest moments, it is what saves me when I am completely overwhelmed by this world, it is where space is created for me to know my Dad. As He continues to mold my growing heart, as He prunes my vines for fruitful gifts, it can be painful… it is painful to let go of your pride, your control, to surrender to yourself and your own ways. But, each day as He chips away the edges of my imperfect heart, I know Him more. I know Him more and He reveals Himself to me. He reveals His plans for me, His will for me, He provides for me and He welcomes me into the freedom of His internal, eternal peace.
“Blessed are those servants whom the master finds vigilant on His arrival” (Lk 12:37)
“Be vigilant at all times and pray that you have the strength to escape the tribulations that are imminent and to stand before the Son of Man” (Lk 21:36)
“Make known to me Your ways, Lord; teach me Your paths. Guide me by Your fidelity and teach me, for You are God my savior, for You I wait all the day long. Remember Your compassion and Your mercy, O Lord, for they are ages old. Remember no more the sins of my youth; remember me according to Your mercy, because of Your goodness, Lord.” (Ps 25:4-7)
I want each of you to know vigilant prayer in your life. Maybe you already do. Maybe you say the prayers you know. I want you to learn to know your Dad, I want you to teach Him about you… to pray with the vigilance of Daniel.
Every day give Him a sacred space, a sacred time. Even if it is only five minutes, give Him your full attention. Allow your Father to come into your life and be with you, not as a guest. Let Him move your heart in His hands, to chip away the imperfections, to smooth over the rough edges in His loving and gentle touch. Through your vigilance, He will reveal Himself to you and you will know His love.
x courtney.
