into your hands.
“Jesus cried out in a loud voice, “Father, into your hands I commend my spirit”; and when he had said this he breathed his last.” // Luke 23:46
I kept thinking about surrender. It is a word that has been following me around like my own shadow. ‘Surrender’ was my word of the year last year. Not because it sounded like something holy and saintly, but because as the new year approached the Lord was dropping it heavily all around me. I could hear the still small voice inviting me to surrender. Like boulders I couldn’t dodge, until the word was less of sound and became more physically inescapable. I learned quickly surrender is not something I am able to do easily, and more importantly it isn’t something I am able to do in one swooping, heart opening notion like people talk about. Surrender cannot be confided as a whole, rather it is parts. Like being unable to swallow the whole plate in front of you; instead you have to take one bite at a time until eventually you have been filled.
After a year of white-knuckled surrendering parts of myself, the Lord continues to deconstruct more from that word. I often mull through thoughts of how He overhauled my life and revealed Himself to me in such a short amount of time. The closeness and realness of His encounters, the newness of life, and reformation of my heart leave me spinning. But I find myself so disoriented when my humanness bubbles up. I get emotional, or I feel lost in this world I don’t belong to. I crave wisdom and direction to do what He is calling me to, to go where He is calling me to go. I feel so ‘all in’, yet I sit back without seeing a cleared path.
I sat there listening to a woman give her testimony. There were a few similar lines to other testimonies I had heard. It is always a beautiful moment when the witness shares the moment(s) they surrender to Him. I know those moments. Those moments is so real. I know those moments because I too have had my own. I think we all have or will have these moments, by His grace. The moment when she could not handle it anymore, the darkness the world has casted over her, and she prayed, “I have tried, and I don’t know what else to do, Jesus I surrender my life to You. I surrender it all to You”. I’m normally captivated by this part of people’s story, which is why I was uncomfortable when I found myself feeling sort of apathetic as she continued on. I should have known the Lord was about to start working soon, but in the moment I just felt like Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh. Like my bleak attitude predicted, life continued to throw darkness and she found herself circling back to self-reliance.
I thought about my own prayer and the many stories of others I had heard. We claim to surrender our lives, we proclaim it in our prayers, and we profess to one another. We say it, and just when the next wave builds, we start thrashing around in the water trying to keep ourselves afloat. Are we liars? Are we fighting an endless battle of speaking and hoping for the freedom of surrender, only to find ourselves holding on the the ledge by our fingernails?
Later that night I went to a prayer group and a few women prayed over me. I won’t share every detail, because I know prayer is sacred, but He has moved me to speak and I trust He will tell me when to stop.
They asked me to share what I was feeling as the we invited the Holy Spirit into our prayer. I felt like my heart was a brick. I wasn’t expecting this response and I don’t think they were either. They asked me if there was anything else. I felt my heart was so physically heavy it could have fallen straight to my feet. My awareness to the weight was visceral. Then, I felt His hands underneath it. I felt Him hold it there suspending in my chest. It was still heavy, but it didn’t feel like it was going to fall anymore. He asked me to let my heart rest in His hands. As I shared these words, one woman asked me if I felt like I was holding on to anything. She affirmed the evident love I held for the Lord, and my desire to listen to Him lead. After, she asked me to renounce the words holding me back from moving forward. She knew the words. The Holy Spirit gave her my heart to read and one by one we renounced each part that was holding me down.
As I knelt before Jesus in Mass, preparing to receive Him in the Eucharist, He spoke into my heart those words. His last words. His promise to us. His call to me, and His call to you. “Into Your hands I commend my spirit". (Lk 23:46)
Jesus knows we cannot surrender perfectly. He has never asked us to do that, and believing we can is just another example of our humanness. When He spoke these words into my heart on Sunday, all of my apathetic feelings dissolved. I no longer felt like I had been saying empty words as I prayed “I surrender all of me” so many times before. He wants my spirit. He wants all of my emotions, my sins, the parts of me I offer up slowly, the prayers, the worship, the intent to give all of me, and mostly the love I have for Him. He wants your spirit.
He has given us His spirit. At the moment He surrendered Himself in total love, He saved us from the darkness of death, the darkness that holds us back. So when you pray for surrender, when you long for the freedom of surrender, know that it is ongoing. Surrender is of the spirit first and begins with your desire for it. The desire you have and the intention of your heart to give Him parts at a time is by His grace. Part by part, prayer by prayer, He is leading you to perfect surrender.
Prayer
Jesus, You are the source of everlasting life. In Your dying and perfect surrender You gave us Your spirit, You gave us life. We ask for Your grace, mercy, kindness, and compassion as we look to You for guidance. We look to You to teach us how to love well. We trust that You will draw us back to You each time we fall from our surrender. Lord, grant that we may always commend our spirit to Your hands. Let us rest our hearts in Your gentle embrace, especially when we feel despairing, for You know the words to bring us back to life. The darkness will never be overcome by Your great light. Amen
Questions
Name three parts of you you have surrendered to Him. (fertility, health, certain relationships, your prayer, career)
Name three parts you have yet to surrender. Ask Him to give you the grace to slowly let it fall into His hands. He knows when your heart is ready. What is He asking you to surrender.
Have you ever felt like your prayer of surrender was an empty promise with good intent? Allow Jesus to come into this place and heal you. He wants your spirit. He knows our weaknesses and He will work with all that we give Him.
Mediate on Jesus’ final words. Imagine Him there on the cross, giving the most perfect prayer of surrender. In what ways do your crosses lead you to prayers of surrender?
x courtney.
