keep looking where the light pours in.

I have all clear coffee mugs. This is not a flex but rather a window inside my heart’s desire for order. It seems, however, with strong order there are consequences of desolation.

Without realizing the winds had begun, I looked up and found the storms rolling in. Dark clouds. Anxiety crippled my mind and threatened my heart. The parts of this life we are unable to paint one color and stack orderly on the shelf. It’s these abstractions that both wreak havoc and cultivate change. Every storm brings about new growth, new life. Without storms we wouldn’t have new seasons. But in the middle of the darkness, the chaos of the winds can make one wonder where the light is.

I’ve been here before, and still it hurts all the same. I long to trust and doubt begins to bury me. The world is untrustworthy, it’s bleak and dark. But I’ve been here before. Which means I’ve seen the new seasons, the growth, new life. To whom else shall I go. (Jn 6:68) I’m moments from being swept away in the storm. I call out to Him. In my desperation, that I only wish was a gentle beckoning. “Come to me.”

“Where are you?”

“Why are you sleeping?” (Lk 8:23)

Honest prayers I know the answers to and yet the truth of my heart yells out, again.

It’s when I’m nearly at my complete breaking point You come in Your tenderness and hold me. I feel Your warmth once again and I look down at my body. I’m on my knees. I’m clinging to You. I’m thirsting for every word, every touch, every glance You have to give me. My faith magnified by Your Love. My soul warmed by the light that now pours over me. And suddenly You are everywhere. In the embrace of my baby girl. In the perfect intertwining of my husband’s hand in mine. In the parted dark clouds letting through the sunshine. In the wise words of a mentor to “keep looking where the light pours in”. In the old coffee mug a friend gifted me years ago that says, “keep looking where the light pours in”. In the freedom of childlike play. In the beckoning to spend time with You, face to face.

I took off on an early morning run to take in the sunrise. After about thirty minutes I start to see the break of light merging into the horizon. Along with it, thick clouds. Before the beautiful paint even took the sky I began to think, What if it doesn't come in the way l'd hoped? What if I woke up this early and made plans and it was cloudy.. no sunset to behold, to bask in. Immediately in my heart the Lord reminded me of His Divinity, if I do not see the sunrise, it's still rising in its glory, it's still warming the cool earth to perfection. Just the same as in my own life. If I can't see the fruits of my labor it doesn't mean the roots are not being nourished to perfection. "What eye has not seen, and ear has not heard, and what has not entered the human heart, what God has prepared for those who love him," (1 Cor 2:9). His beauty and gifts go beyond our ideas, our plans, or our eyes. It's deeper, it's devoted, and even still He surprises us with expectant faith of water colored skies despite our doubts or questioning.

Saint Teresa of Avila (Interior Castle) said, “We pass through terrible trials, on account of not understanding our own nature and take what is not merely harmless, but good, for a grave fault. This causes the sufferings felt by many people, particularly by the unlearned, who practise prayer. They complain of interior trials, become melancholy, lose their health, and even give up prayer altogether for want of recognizing that we have within ourselves as it were, an interior world.

We cannot stop the revolution of the heavens as they rush with velocity upon their course, neither can we control our imagination. When this wanders we at once imagine that all the powers of the soul follow it; we think everything is lost, and that the time spent in God's presence is wasted. Meanwhile, the soul is perhaps entirely united to Him in the innermost mansions, while the imagination is in the precincts of the castle, struggling with a thousand wild and venomous creatures and gaining merit by its warfare.

Therefore we need not let ourselves be disturbed, nor give up prayer, as the devil is striving to persuade us."

Christ is abiding with us in the deepest dwelling place of our soul. The place He has prepared for us alone, and the place He never abandons. Though the storms may come and stay for longer than we hope, our time will be restored doubly in the Lord’s redemptive blessing. (Joel 2:25)

“When we are crushed like grapes, we cannot think of the wine we will become. The sorrow overwhelms us, makes us throw ourselves on the ground, facedown, and sweat drops of blood. Then we need to be reminded that our cup of sorrow is also our cup of joy and that one day we will be able to taste the joy as fully as we now taste the sorrow.” Henry Nouwen

He is the God of redemption. The God of growth. The God of purification. The Father that wants to see you becoming, forever. The Physician that sees your wounds made One with the Lover who knows to help you slowly, so you heal perfectly, stronger, beautifully.

So we remain steadfast. We keep looking where the light pours in. We stay on our knees, we let our weaknesses draw us closer to the One who gives us strength, the One who is already abiding within. We preserve in expectant faith as we pray to the stronghold that is always in the boat awaiting our call.

“Therefore I tell you, all that you ask for in prayer, believe that you will receive it and it shall be yours.” (Mark 11:24)

“Be sober and vigilant. Your opponent the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion looking for [someone] to devour.

Resist him, steadfast in faith, knowing that your fellow believers throughout the world undergo the same sufferings.

The God of all grace who called you to his eternal glory through Christ [Jesus] will himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you after you have suffered a little.

To him be dominion forever. Amen.” (1 Peter 5:8-11)

He is making in you new wine. Sweet, rich, and filled with a joy that is lasting. Hold fast to His cleansing mercy. Let the storms come and let them pass. But keep your eyes fixed on the Son who will dance with you in the wildflowers. Your next season is surely coming.

I’m praying your Lenten season is fruitful. If you have a special intention please comment below or send me a message.

x courtney