i love you too.
Big changes were coming my way, and I didn’t even know how to respond to them. Honestly, after this year, these things seemed so minute. I couldn’t find the words in prayer and I couldn’t truly uncover how I was feeling. Naturally, I filled the silence. I needed some spiritual direction, I thought. I turned to some of my go-to podcasts, lead by very holy people, who I hoped would give me some guidance.
Most days these beautiful souls challenge me in theology, delve deep into interior reflection, or even contemplate spiritual literature. I was hoping for a spark. I was expecting a concept or a phrase I could hang onto, take to prayer, and use to analyze my situation. Being the holy people they are, guess where they led me?
Jesus. The cross. To sit in His presence. Accept what He has for you in a posture of receptivity. The posture of the cross.
Over the last few days I began to take on each morning, and life change in this posture. I wanted to just be. Just be with Him. I didn’t have the words. I couldn’t understand my feelings, and I didn’t want to just create something that wasn’t there.
I was driving home, stuck in traffic, again. My mind began to flood with scattered thoughts. My inclination to turn on the radio or a podcast was halted. I turned on an instrumental worship station, recommended by said podcast a few days before. I still didn’t know the words, I still didn’t know what would happen with the inevitable changes emerging in my life, and I most definitely still couldn’t interpret my feelings. I wanted to be still. I rolled down the windows, turned up the volume, and said “Jesus just come be with me in this moment”.
I immediately looked up and my eyes landed directly on these words, “I love you”… written across a building. It swelled up inside of me and I felt giddy with joy. Once again, Jesus revealed His heart to me - revealed His complete control. I started to laugh because I could just imagine Him gazing at me with knowing eyes, nudging me to surrender - again.
In every big change, He is there. In every suffering, He is there. And in every little moment, He is there. How often must we be reminded? How often must He continue to reveal to us the truth of His faithfulness?
The Lord, knows how fragile our trust can be. He knows our tendencies to do it all ourselves. He sees our faded vision as the waves crash in the storm. He understands the weakness of human minds, and He feels our human hearts.
He knows, too, the comfort we take in the presence of a Father.
So when you need Him… when you need the voice of the Father, someone to guide your thoughts, to understand your feelings for you… when you need to just be still - call out to Him.
“I love you too, Dad”
x courtney.
"For in hope we were saved. Now hope that sees for itself is not hope. For who hopes for what one sees? But if we hope for what we do not see, we wait with endurance. In the same way, the Spirit too comes to the aid of our weakness; for we do not know how to pray as we ought, but the Spirit itself intercedes with inexpressible groanings. And the one who searches hearts knows what is the intention of the Spirit, because it intercedes for the holy ones according to God’s will.” (Romans 8:24-27)
